DO WHAT SCARES YOU.

ON STARTING OVER:

Writing came easily, effortlessly and fiercely until a professional/educational setback that attempted to strangle my spirit visited me this March. A setback that I recently described as "I feel like I lost my first born!" when asked what it was like. I am on my way out from under a secret rock of feeling small, violated and infuriated at injustice(secret because until this moment, no one other than my husband has been witness to or allowed into the gradual crashing and crumbling of my heart). But I found myself sobbing and shaking 3 days ago as I attempted to write again. I had so much to say and share that I could feel it physically in the depths of my stomach. Instead, I stared at a blank screen for a really long time...questioning what I should say and how, backspacing every sentence I typed. I looked at my husband in the midst of my sobs, and asked the question that I have been avoiding for all these months. A question that makes me feel more vulnerable than I have ever been; "What If I've lost it?".

Internally, I battled questions of "What If I can't and won't write?What if it's gone?What if they took it away?"Then they did strangle my spirit, didn't they? They got me where it hurts the most...my nurtured ambition for contribution and growth through creative and honest expression. And in place of that ambition is fear, self doubt, exhaustion and confusion.
The more I pondered and grappled with these questions, the angrier I felt. The kind of anger that is motivating, not defeating; The anger that is felt by a bird that is caged for the first time. The kind that burns in the base of your throat and sends a surge of creatively fueled adrenalin coursing through your veins.

I have chosen Facebook to air a lot of my laundry (I don't have "dirty laundry, just laundry that has the wear and tear of experience. And that is not dirty!). And I am choosing Facebook to voice a goal that I am terrified I won't achieve:to write, express and share with the bold voice I was so proud of before March. I am terrified it will be too hard. I am afraid that it won't be any good. I am afraid that I may realize that this setback, of all my experiences, has changed me to become quiet, meek and overpowered by self-doubt.
I know that none of this is true. I know that somewhere in my reader list is at least one other person who knows exactly what I am talking about. If not about writing, then about dating after a painful divorce, walking after a broken leg, losing weight after weight gain, finding a job after being laid off, rebuilding a relationship after it cracked...I know that somewhere out there is someone who is asking more questions instead of fearlessly following their gut that says, "You can start over. You KNOW how".
If that is you, I am writing this post for you. I am writing this because we are not just connected by sharing success, but we are truly connected by acknowledging how similar we are in the messiness of being human.
My July goal is to hang perfectionism on the coat track of unwanted obstacles and return to what fuels me: my need to grow, and my need to contribute and writing is my chosen medium.My goal is to write again regardless of how sub-par I may judge it to be. I am scared, and that is why I must do it.
What do you want your goal to be?What do you want to overcome?