tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-85720791463042868382024-02-18T18:17:54.980-08:00The Listening IxoraThink of someone you love deeply. Think of all the time, attention and care you devote in listening/getting to know them.Do you do the same with yourself?
Our life is rich with experiences.Most of them lived but not examined. We all experience Depression, Joy, Fear etc.But how often do we get to know these experiences with the same love that we do with people we care for?
We're all in the same universe trying to make sense of who we are and what our life is about. Why do it alone?Namhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00056023901651203264noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8572079146304286838.post-26532275680198790922013-09-02T15:30:00.000-07:002017-03-22T22:17:18.387-07:0012 Months Of Life Lessons: August<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIQ-bmDpNKZPJtUZKMLs7TapwGq_ynM7rvRZqR0M_VgfYvE-4LJeG-XKmvEPHEhckk0HPMNAzr2cokUnQkq-2R50zZ4Yn4aRXNb-8_Urby5rWOCVgJ7GmZGTbYKkMCj9CTtGXC-GmkHWY/s1600/staydry.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><br /></a><b><u>LESSONS I LEARNED THIS AUGUST:</u></b><br />
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<b>1)SCREEN YOUR STORY: </b>When you experience displeasure, discontent, angry confusion or feel the need to ask someone to change themselves, start by screening your story. Our experiences are projections. More often than not, our interpretation/story of what is going on holds us hostage and we react or make demands for change stemming from these stories, as opposed to "truth". Before acting on the need to ask someone to change, screen your story with questions like, "I experienced what you said as insensitive/ mean/hurtful/suspicious. Is that what you meant?". Screening your story allows the other the necessary opportunity to explain and express, and allows you to modify your story in a way that matches what "is" as opposed to what you "think it is". It is also the quickest way to maintain kindness while honoring the feelings of displeasure you feel.<br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;"><b>2)DON'T GET WET IN SOMEONE ELSE"S STORM:</b> People lash out, share loud angry opinions, judge, criticize,misinterpret all the time. If you are coming from a place of integrity, remember that they are likely soaking in their own storm and their opinion is not the same as your reality. Stay dry by validating their experience(you don't have to agree to validate!)and clarifying your position. Jumping in with defensiveness, counter-attacking, aggressively proving them wrong, or insulting them is a sign that you are now getting wet too. State your position, and allow them their need to sway in their storm in the direction they choose. Their storm is not your project, playground, battle field or your reality. It is only where they are right now.<br /><br /><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "lucida grande" , "tahoma" , "verdana" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 15.454545021057129px;"><b>Screen your story. Stay Dry. </b></span></span><br />-Nam<br /><br />*This post is part of a personal project to pay attention to life lessons as they arise each month,document them and share them. September is feeling pretty rich already! Stay tuned!).</span>Namhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00056023901651203264noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8572079146304286838.post-7819158908409698732013-08-09T10:16:00.000-07:002017-03-22T22:17:36.400-07:00The Paradox of Progress<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I once cried and sobbed to my dance teacher about how often I was called "weirdo" and "rebellious" and worst of all, "incapable and too laid back" as a child. I cannot look back at my childhood and adolescence and wish I were a kid again because for me, being a kid was fraught with confusion. I grew up in the heart of the bipolarity that some kids do where you experience love and acceptance until you show that you are different. That is when the labels come rushing in. I experienced this everywhere I went with barely any exceptions. At 14, I secretly decided to leave primarily because of this. At 23, I caught a plane and moved continents because I was tired of being forced to fit in, of labels, of being accused of things I didn't do, of being accepted and rejected by loved ones on a monthly basis and of seeing the pain in my mothers eyes as she did her best to create a wall around me to protect what she accepted as "unique". I was outspoken, often said it like it is, did not bow my head down if someone older did something blatantly wrong and in my Indian culture, faced the consequences of it all. <br />
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The teacher I cried and sobbed to, sent me a postcard once I moved with this quote on it. Although she no longer lives, her reminder always will. <br />
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I am still the weirdo and I continue to speak up to the best I can when I see power being abused. But every step I have taken, is an ongoing attempt to draw new lines. I don't always succeed, but this is the one thing I won't give up on.<br />
To all kids in adult bodies who know what I am talking about, this is for you. You will lose relationships,<br />
you may get hit in your professional endeavors, you will almost never lose some of you labels, authority figures may dread you, but always remember...society needs you to be bold, irrational, messy and original. Progress was never made by those who bow their head and conform. For a plant to grow, it must burst open through the cracks in the soil...and that is the paradox of progress.You may need to be wise and grown-up about it, because even though adolescent rebellion was great , it not always productive.Don't lose yourself in the displeasure and judgment of others. Trust the process and draw new lines.<br />
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Namhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00056023901651203264noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8572079146304286838.post-14020623909246078972013-07-07T13:55:00.000-07:002017-03-22T22:17:52.675-07:00SELF AWARENESS AND COMMUNICATIONSELF AWARENESS AND COMMUNICATION<br />
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I recently learned: the absence, or limited engagement in the act of self awareness shows quickly and sharply in how one communicates with others. The way one speaks to someone else is often a reflection of how one speaks to oneself . Do you speak to yourself/treat yourself with compassion, or acerbity?Self awareness transcends the question "What do you say to yourself when...?" and begs to incorporate "How do you speak to yourself when....?" The former attends to thoughts while the latter attends to thoughts and intention.<br />
Effective communication, then, is not a mere skill of speaking. It is a delicate art of balancing compassion with clarity, intention with delivery, asserting boundaries with opening space for dialogue, conveying a message with listening for impact on another.<br />
Self awareness based communication remembers me, you and all of us;because being self-aware is being aware of the self in others...and being aware of others is being aware of their impact on the self.<br />
Communication hides a secret power of influencing the climate of relationships; it comes armed with weapons of destruction and gifts of connection. When one chooses their words, they choose the relationship that is created as a result of those words. What is intended, what is said and what is heard results in the creation or destruction of connection...and connection thrives in the presence of self-awareness. It dies in its absence.<br />
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To connect is to be self-aware, to be self aware is to be aware of others, to be aware of others is to practice the art of compassionately clear communication, and to be compassionate to others, one must know how to be compassionate to oneself.<br />
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An ongoing lesson, and ongoing practice...much has been learned, much remains to be learned.Namhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00056023901651203264noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8572079146304286838.post-75176682389040165312013-07-07T13:53:00.003-07:002017-03-22T22:18:06.751-07:00DO WHAT SCARES YOU. <br />
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ON STARTING OVER:<br />
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Writing came easily, effortlessly and fiercely until a professional/educational setback that attempted to strangle my spirit visited me this March. A setback that I recently described as "I feel like I lost my first born!" when asked what it was like. I am on my way out from under a secret rock of feeling small, violated and infuriated at injustice(secret because until this moment, no one other than my husband has been witness to or allowed into the gradual crashing and crumbling of my heart). But I found myself sobbing and shaking 3 days ago as I attempted to write again. I had so much to say and share that I could feel it physically in the depths of my stomach. Instead, I stared at a blank screen for a really long time...questioning what I should say and how, backspacing every sentence I typed. I looked at my husband in the midst of my sobs, and asked the question that I have been avoiding for all these months. A question that makes me feel more vulnerable than I have ever been; "What If I've lost it?". <br />
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Internally, I battled questions of "What If I can't and won't write?What if it's gone?What if they took it away?"Then they did strangle my spirit, didn't they? They got me where it hurts the most...my nurtured ambition for contribution and growth through creative and honest expression. And in place of that ambition is fear, self doubt, exhaustion and confusion.<br />
The more I pondered and grappled with these questions, the angrier I felt. The kind of anger that is motivating, not defeating; The anger that is felt by a bird that is caged for the first time. The kind that burns in the base of your throat and sends a surge of creatively fueled adrenalin coursing through your veins. <br />
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I have chosen Facebook to air a lot of my laundry (I don't have "dirty laundry, just laundry that has the wear and tear of experience. And that is not dirty!). And I am choosing Facebook to voice a goal that I am terrified I won't achieve:to write, express and share with the bold voice I was so proud of before March. I am terrified it will be too hard. I am afraid that it won't be any good. I am afraid that I may realize that this setback, of all my experiences, has changed me to become quiet, meek and overpowered by self-doubt.<br />
I know that none of this is true. I know that somewhere in my reader list is at least one other person who knows exactly what I am talking about. If not about writing, then about dating after a painful divorce, walking after a broken leg, losing weight after weight gain, finding a job after being laid off, rebuilding a relationship after it cracked...I know that somewhere out there is someone who is asking more questions instead of fearlessly following their gut that says, "You can start over. You KNOW how".<br />
If that is you, I am writing this post for you. I am writing this because we are not just connected by sharing success, but we are truly connected by acknowledging how similar we are in the messiness of being human. <br />
My July goal is to hang perfectionism on the coat track of unwanted obstacles and return to what fuels me: my need to grow, and my need to contribute and writing is my chosen medium.My goal is to write again regardless of how sub-par I may judge it to be. I am scared, and that is why I must do it. <br />
What do you want your goal to be?What do you want to overcome?Namhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00056023901651203264noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8572079146304286838.post-70304555487231909582012-11-28T09:43:00.002-08:002017-03-22T22:19:52.914-07:00MORNING TEA AND REFLECTION<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I FEEL, BELIEVE AND KNOW:<br />
I have woken up today feeling like there is sunlight within; like clouds don't just have silver linings but are made of silver itself; like there is no pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, the rainbow IS the gold; and that night exists so that the sun can take a nap; like there is no calm before a storm but that calm is the norm and a storm is just a temporary interruption;I feel like the life I was waiting to live has been waiting for me to see that it was here to live all along. <br />
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I have woken up knowing that every door that slammed shut in the past needed to be shut or I would not have looked for the one that has opened now; knowing that the guiding voice within us is much louder than the voices that surround us; knowing that you never rise or fall alone and that relationships matter more than resumes. <br />
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I have woken up believing that life will do what it must, we can either be friends with it or make it our enemy and the choice we make manifests in how we experience your experiences. I have woken up believing that whether you believe in God or are atheistic does not matter as much as how you treat those who believe differently than you, and how you treat yourself in your moments of vulnerability matters more than whether you pray or scientifically dissect your experience. <br />
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I have woken up feeling, knowing and believing that I may not always remember all that I have learned through my recent struggles, but I will always remember this relief that pauses, no matter how long, do come to an end. And if you are someone who is at the heart of your own pause, I feel, believe and know that you will find your way out.Namhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00056023901651203264noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8572079146304286838.post-91497770215400026202012-11-08T12:18:00.001-08:002017-03-22T22:22:10.628-07:00"We do not see what we do not know"-How Mental Health Professionals dismiss the Gifted<br />
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"Do you specialize or see Gifted Adults as clients?<br />
Um, no!What problems do THEY have that are different from anyone else?!?"<br />
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This is sadly, an example of a stereotypical conversation that I have come across regarding Gifted-ness when talking to mental health professionals of varying expertise. While the response is not always as blatant, it is along a similar spectrum;From a simple and acceptable "no" to vague conversations about intellectual assessment and testing to the more dramatic spirit of "Gifted-ness does not exist", to mention of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.<br />
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As a mental health professional myself, I am openly astounded at mental health professionals who dismiss or deny the legitimacy of Gifted children and adults. My search for a different word for "Gifted" continues as it <i>does </i>lead to a projection of elitism and "better than" ideas that seem to trigger not only those who are at this end of the spectrum but those that hear the word "Gifted". I often wonder about the social receptivity of this genre if the term Gifted was replaced by "Differently Abled".<br />
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I have come across very few mental health professionals who don't squirm or worse, question the validity of the "differently abled" population when they hear of it. There seems to be an intrinsic need to deny that it exists or what is shared is a shrugging of the shoulders with the premise "They have problems different than everyone else?!" (like the conversation above). The primary amazement that I experience when I hear this is if Developmental Delays and lower IQs exist and are acknowledged, then why is there so much resistance to acknowledging the other end of this continuum?No, it is not the same...but it does exists.Why do we metaphorically plug our ears when we hear others talk about this?<br />
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Recently, I engaged in a social review of sorts where I mentioned Gifted-ness to various mental health professionals I know, in direct and indirect ways. It has been astounding to witness their reactions. I have noticed facial expressions change when the word "Gifted" is casually dropped, to complete silence when I mention or ask if they know of therapists who specialize in providing counseling for Gifted Children, Adults and their families. The ones who <i>could </i>give me an answer or even faintly recall someone they <i>once </i>met who did specialize in this, were the undeniable minority.When the majority is trying to dismiss, wears their lack of awareness as a badge("We are all the same"), boldly state "Everyone is gifted" (when what they really mean is "Every one has a gift"...the two are very different).or shrug their shoulders, talking about Over Excitabilities, Super Sensitivities or any other details of behavioral and emotional "symptoms" of Gifted-ness seemed futile.(Poor Kazimierz Dabrowski must be weeping in his grave!)<br />
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Once my personal disbelief and disappointment at this discovery simmered down, I questioned the epistemology of this denial and complacent lack of awareness. Why is it that of ALL people, those that have made analysis and assistance of human nature their livelihood, are the one's that are so comfortable with the limited or absence of awareness about this population?<br />
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Personal projections.<br />
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I have tentatively concluded that working specifically with the Gifted populations requires, at the very least, acknowledgment that a Gifted Population exists. Following that is gaining knowledge about it which is in turn,undeniably necessary to engage in being aware, insightful and attentive to it's nuances. I am reminded of the adage in medical fields that states "We cannot see what we do not know". But how effective is any of this when one stays behind a personal wall of projection about the label of someone being Gifted?It is no wonder then, that the number of therapists catering to this rare population is so low. There is such a thick fog of personal and societal projection about the Gifted that therapists seem more comfortable pretending it does not exist than find ways to walk through the fog!<br />
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The label of "Gifted" has indeed been overused and grossly misused in certain societies that has contributed to a collective projection. That, in addition to a lot of parents who believe their children are gifted mainly and only because of their grades only makes the reality of Giftedness unfortunately cloudy. This mis-representation along with ego-driven behavior of a lot of parents seems to fuel the disdain around this term. Gifted becomes synonymous with the annoying mother you meet when you drop your child off at school who gloats about teh GATE program!But what is even more unfortunate is that a lot of mental health professionals do not exercise the foundational fuel of therapy: <b>curiosity</b>. Hijacked by their own projections that come from limited information, casual observation of inflated ego's of parents of Gifted children or their own reservations of what being "Gifted" means, mental health professionals tend to look the other way.<br />
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I wonder, as a mental health professional myself, if these projections could be penetrated with reason? If we as professionals could engage in the very work we guide our clients/patients to do? Can we set aside whatever it is we "think" we know about Gifted-ness and approach it with sincere curiosity and self awareness of what comes up for us as we explore?<br />
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The sad, sad truth is that whether we as clinicians accept the reality of Gifted struggles or not, there is a significant group of people out there who need us to "get it". They are the parents of Gifted children who quickly realized that "good grades"(if that were included) was NOT what parenting a Gifted Child entails. They are Gifted adolescents who have already spent a significant period of their life struggling to fit in, or be seen as more than "High Achievement", its the middle school kids who may do well academically and glean praise but spend every lunch hour by themselves...lost, confused and mainly very, very alone. The kid that wants to know if "We are living in a world perceived by us but not in reality" but cannot manage to play a simple game with another kid. These kids grow up to be adults struggling with Imposter Syndrome, social misunderstanding and ridicule, tragic and confusing Under Achievement...and they internally remain the kid that sits alone for lunch hour. They struggle very deeply and uniquely in relationships, lose jobs or struggle to find one, are torn between their abilities and limitations and spend their life trying to piece together a fragmented self image that honors their uniqueness but still craving to the "same as others". They can be oddly rebellious and serious procrastinators, you will hear them talk about "not being able to turn their brain off"...the list is endless. Whether we acknowledge any of this or not, it exists.<br />
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There is so much emphasis on Gifted-ness being Achievement based that a poignant premise gets missed: Developmental differences and advancement. Mental health professionals are more likely to specialize and assist those who battle developmental differences at the other end of the same spectrum than the one being spoken of here. While one elicits reactions of sympathy and concern(rightfully so!) the Gifted get ignored. I once read that "Even sunshine burns if we get too much". The seemingly sunny side of the Gifted is somewhat like that. The Gifted are "too much" of everything. While details are going to be food for future posts, my hope with this one is that mental health professionals begin to wake up, just a little bit more, to the possibility that their personal projections are dismissing the struggles of a lot of people...which is drastically dichotomous to what our field was created to do. We are agents of change, healers and helpers...we cannot do that if we deny someone's struggles whether it is through absence of information or personal triggers.<br />
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Let's start by looking inward ourselves:<br />
1. What came up for you as your read this article?<br />
2. Did you hear a voice of resistance? What did it say?<br />
3. How much do you really know about counseling the Gifted?<br />
4. Do you have a voice that is compelling you to deny Gifted-ness because you feel resistant to the idea that differences in people DO exist?<br />
5.What are your projections about intelligence?<br />
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Not every one of us will engage in Therapy for the Gifted. But my hope is that most of us contribute positively to remove the stigma, mysteries and myths that surround this very real population.<br />
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<br />Namhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00056023901651203264noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8572079146304286838.post-36334654203725628372012-08-28T13:11:00.001-07:002017-03-22T22:22:21.625-07:00A Hug before A Tissue<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent">ON
HOW A FITNESS PRODUCT TEACHES ME ABOUT LIFE:I was witness to (and
participated to some extent) in a recent experience where there was a
divide between fitness enthusiasts about a new health product. Some
loved it and some did not. As what happens in life about most things,
right?<br /> <br /> The fascinating element in this was not that people
disagreed, but what was triggered in people on both camps as a response
to the other. There was no filter in those that loved it to call the
one's who did not 'crazy' and proceed to glorify how much they loved
it,used language that pushed the ones that did not into a box labeled
"negative" and a verbal party about how this product is the best thing
to have happened proceeded. A human reaction.<br /> <br /> The one's that
did not like it did voice their displeasure too, proceeding to describe
why they did not, how disappointed they were etc. <br /> <br /> What ensued
was that the one's that loved it continued to sing about how wonderful
it was and the one's that did not were silenced. There was no room to
say "hey! I did not like it" with safety amongst peers and an
opportunity to learn and grow was missed. An opportunity where the one's
experiencing displeasure could have received acceptance and safety to
disagree even if the majority felt otherwise. Instead, the perceived
"negative" was shut down. Whether in the name of understandable business
strategy or not, it had an outcome that was not desirable to any even
though not many have noticed it. A section of the people were made to
shut up. Sadly.<br /> <br /> This is not about the product or fitness enthusiasts or what happened. All people involved were human and okay.<br /> <br />
It is an example of how we are socially conditioned to shut down what
is perceived as negative. We are conditioned to need to "fix" a feeling
that someone may have that is not one of happiness. If someone is
discouraged we instruct them to "BE POSITIVE!", we throw around phrases
like "turn the frown upside down" and "suck it up". We call the ones
that had a negative experience of something we love "nuts". We seem
inadvertently trained to look at the one who has a undesirable
experience and attempt to make it go away(whether in emotion, about
products, TV shows, cultural preferences etc.). While a lot of it is
done to "help" ,either the person or those that may be exposed to the
displeasure in general...I almost always see it have a different
outcome.<br /> <br /> In the days that passed since the fitness product
description, there is complete silence from those that did not like it,
and those that did have not stopped reiterating how much they do. What
happened here?Did those that did not like the product magically start to
think otherwise?Nope.<br /> <br /> What happened was there was a message
that "if you do not like something, don't talk about it or take it
elsewhere" . COMPLETELY unintentionally, but this is what happened. What
COULD have been done differently is to speak to those in a "negative"
space differently. It was an opportunity to let them know that its OKAY
to not like something as it is okay to feel sad, angry, demotivated and
discouraged because we are human and then offer solutions. This would
have resulted in the ones not liking the products still feeling included
and involved as opposed to silenced and alienated.<br /> <br /> But much
like in life, what happens is that we speed through to fixing a
perceived negative situation and forget about the one who was in
distress. When we see tears we offer a Kleenex before a hug when a hug
could lead to a person who cries wipe their own tears(which is the
desired goal, isn't it?).<br /> <br /> What has conditioned us to be this
way?Why is it that we make conversation, family, groups and society so
unsafe for the "negative" when we ALL feel negatively?Why is it SO hard
to offer support by sitting with someone's discomfort and allow it to
play out as it needs to. <br /> <br /> When did our discomfort about someone
else going through discomfort become so unbearable that we
inadvertently ignore the need of the one who hurts?Imagine a child who
walks in with a gash on his knee...would you put a band-aid and then ask
them to "cry elsewhere"? You would likely comfort, understand and
nurture the physical and emotional wound simultaneously. how come we
treat adults so differently?<br /> <br /> The next time you hear someone not
like what you like, or cry in front of you...notice what happens. Would
you like to be called crazy because you love something or are
happy?Then why do it to someone who isn't it?<br /> <br /> " I am sorry this
is not working for you/feel this way. I personally don't but I am glad
that there are options you could try...maybe we can figure this out
together to help you feel better?". THERE! How hard was that?</span></span></span></h6>
Namhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00056023901651203264noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8572079146304286838.post-24428652230219419932012-08-27T10:44:00.002-07:002017-03-22T22:22:50.624-07:00Welcome your Today. Every day.<br />
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<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent"><span style="font-size: small;">Dear Today,<br />
Thank you for being here and thank you for allowing me to unlock all
the secrets you hold for me with every passing hour. I do not know what
they are and I do not know if they will uplift me or injure me. I don't
know who waits behind your door...is it someone whose presence I enjoy
or will it be someone I feel triggered by?<br /><br /> I do not know if
when sun sets today I will rejoice in the glory you brought, or will I
await the rise of the moon that will mark the fall of a day I did not
enjoy.</span> <br /> <br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="text_exposed_show">
<span style="font-size: small;">I wonder what roles I
will be invited to play with each experience you unfold...a wife, a
therapist, a friend, a girl full of fear or a woman full of fortitude?</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">I am curious if there will be tears or smiles, will anger threaten to hijack my soul or will peace blanket my heart?</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">I don't know if you will join hands with what I have planned for you, or if you will take my hand and lead me where you must.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">In all the uncertainty and impermanence you always bring, you hide an
abundance of inspiration...and in all that I don't know about you hides a
secret gem of certainty; that you will teach me something new.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">Share all you must. I am ready. I have emptied my arms of yesterday's experience and I open my arms to today's opportunity.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">With gratitude that you are here,</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Nam</span></div>
</span></span></h6>
Namhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00056023901651203264noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8572079146304286838.post-2239905967469436112012-08-20T13:15:00.002-07:002017-03-22T22:23:05.337-07:00The Most Powerful Tool in our Communication Toolbox!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
The older I get, the more I realize that when you are in the presence of those that aggravate you, challenge your values, ideals and worldview and lead to conflict there are two opportunities that lay hidden deep in the chaos of quarrel. :1)To look inward 2)To allow conflict to teach you something about peace. <br />
<br />
Our Ego, our ideals, our sense of right vs wrong often inform us that the way to be during a disagreement or conflict is to be the one that speaks louder and has the most tightly clenched fists. We begin to believe that the more we reiterate our stand, the louder we speak of the injustice we are experiencing or the more we articulate why what we think is right, the better is the chance that our opponent(or the one that is aggravating us)will understand and correct his/her ways.<br />
<br />
We forget that the more we clench our fist and the more firmly we plant our feet into the ground, we do offer ourselves the satisfaction of being "right", but we have limited ourselves from moving.From growth. From resolution. <br />
The louder we reiterate our opinion, the louder the opponent gets about his!<br />
How is it that when our intention is to be understood, conflict only seems to grow?<br />
<br />
The more I am around conflict, whether it is between a couple on the couch, spats between friends, or us vs them ideologies in groups, the more I come to recognize that the one way to be understood in the midst of disagreement is to not be the one who speaks the loudest, but the one who listens the most. <br />
<br />
Conditioning has us believe that if we listen we are allowing the opponent to gain power, that we are giving in to the perceived wrong-doing and allowing injustice to prevail.Or even worse, it has us believe that we are surrendering to the very thing that we disagree with!<br />
<br />
We forget that listening is probably the most powerful tool we carry in our communication toolbox. Listening to someone we disagree with or feel agitated by is by far one of the most challenging experiences of communication, isn't it?<br />
And yet, in that Challenge are little nuggets of self-awareness that can only help us!<br />
One of the most effective ways to be understood is to lead the way by being the one who is open to understanding . You don't have to like it or agree with it...but maybe create a little room for it to exist anyway?<br />
<br />
By offering room to be heard and understood to the one that aggravates us, we change the climate of conflictual conversation. We create a communication environment that is more conducive to being understood ourselves. We give ourselves a rare opportunity to look at a situation through a completely different angle(again, we don't have to agree with it!), look at projections for what they are and whether our opponent "gets it" or not, we take a few more steps closer to being more aware, more compassionate and more peaceful.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<br />
The louder you want to speak the bigger is the sign that you need to listen. Listening is not weak or surrendering, listening is about courage. It is about being able to suspend your assumptions and projections for a few minutes and then choosing to keep the ones you want, and modify the ones that no longer fit. It is about remembering that EVERYONE has a reason for saying what they do and being who they are just like you do. Reasons that may not be your truths, but they are to the one you are arguing with, however distorted they maybe.<br />
<br />
<br />
Be agitated, be aggravated and angry...you are human and differing opinions and experiences WILL invite these experiences, but allow yourself the possibility of intrinsic peace despite extrinsic conflict. Allow yourself the opportunity to not be hijacked by aggravation but remain firm yet compassionate without verbal wars.<br />
<br />
There IS a way to "stand up for yourself", to "support the underdog", to "put someone in place" or simply get them to see their behavior is hurtful....and it does not always involve a clenched fist and loud voice. Sometimes, it is about an open hand and some silence. Sometimes, conflict is an opportunity that has come your way to teach you something new about you, about the human condition and about peace...<br />
<br />
<br />Namhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00056023901651203264noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8572079146304286838.post-29107260745155384862012-04-24T15:20:00.000-07:002017-03-22T22:23:43.370-07:00Talk About YOU!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i>Describe someone you love and care for in a few sentences. It could be anyone; a
friend, family, a pet even your favorite character from a television show. </i></div>
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<i>Did you experience any discomfort or hesitation in doing so?
My guess is probably not.</i></div>
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<i>How is that when we are asked to talk about someone we love
we are able to almost effortlessly but if someone were to ask us to talk about
ourselves, the experience is often fraught with discomfort?</i></div>
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I was recently a part of a conversation with friends<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>where
one of them spoke about her hesitation in talking about herself. She recognized
that for her business to grow, marketing was a key aspect but was facing a
paradox that most of us do: I want people to know about me but I don’t want to
talk about myself. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is a human
experience that I have come across even amongst people who are employed in
professions that require sales of a product. The irony there is that when it is
about selling a product for someone else, we easily compartmentalize our minds
and give ourselves permission to “do the job”. But when the ‘product’ we want
to share is ourselves we have a voice that distorts the simplicity of this
experience. Where does that come from?</div>
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Socially we are plagued with words like “narcissism’, “full
of himself”, “tooting your own horn” and none of them have a positive
connotation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With judgments like those,
it is no surprise that talking about you is an experience <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>that is
uncomfortable! However, when we look back at our childhood or even spend time
with little children we may notice that we did not always have this voice of
discomfort.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, I have almost always
noticed that when there are enough “grown -ups” around children there will be
at least one person who will ask them questions like “What is your favorite
color? What did you do at school today? What do you want to be when you grow up?”
I almost never see a child pause and contemplate before answering. Instead, a
child will blurt out answers and even add some precious nuggets of information
that wasn’t even asked for! </div>
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As we get older, social influences take over and add fuel to
a fiery voice that is always judging what we do as good or bad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unless at a job interview, talking about what
you do, sharing your skills and talent to invite people to utilize them or
simply sharing information about yourself is seen as social error. I have even
come across cultural influences where <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>people are covertly trained to not speak about
themselves
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(example: I have frequently heard about
the Midwestern culture in the US being one where sharing personal information/personal
struggle is frowned upon).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We soon
become parents who raise children that<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>inherit the same voice that has held us hostage!</div>
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The idea that talking about someone we love is easy but
talking about ourselves is not leads to a wonder: do we love others more than
we love ourselves? And most importantly, is it okay to feel love for who we are
or what we do? My answer is yes. In fact, to be able to love others fully, it
is almost mandatory to feel love for ourselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Watch this space for an upcoming blog post entirely on this!)</div>
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The “Voice” that I speak of is a result of all those moments
since we were a child, where we received messages that ‘you are not as
important, not as worthy, not as lovable, not as attractive as others’. Returning
to the start of this blog, at the core of “I want people to know about me but I
don’t want to talk about myself” is an accumulation of all those influences
that have coalesced into “It’s wrong for me to talk about myself”. </div>
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If you speak to someone who is<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>a
self-employed business person, he/she will tell you how vital it is to network
and “sell” your product for your business to grow…how imperative it is to get
over your personal discomfort and unapologetic- ally speak to people about who
you are and what you do. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He/ She will also
tell you this is a skill that requires training and is not innate. </div>
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While I don’t condone extremes, it seems important for us to
be able to find new ways to challenge the unhelpful voices we carry that restrict
us from growth. The voice that restricts you from comfortably and kindly
talking about yourself is one such example! It is the same voice that <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>will trick you into believing YOU are not as
good as the person who is skinnier, more successful, prettier, richer than you.
It will teach you ways to sabotage your own success and growth professionally
and personally. Most importantly, it will convince you that you are not good enough.</div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While the manifestations
of this voice in our life is food for another blog, I encourage you, dear
reader to take a few minutes and think of the last time you spoke about
yourself with kindness and without fear of judgment. Now think back at the last
time when you praised or spoke kindly about someone in your life. Did both
experiences feel the same? If the former felt odd or “wrong”, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>THAT is the voice of past influences telling
you that you are doing something wrong by being kind to you…challenge it. YOU
are worthy of being a topic of conversation, YOU are worthy of attention and
YOU are worth the discomfort and effort it may take to challenge this voice and
come out on the other side…<br />
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Namhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00056023901651203264noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8572079146304286838.post-1083285181533212032012-03-22T12:19:00.000-07:002012-03-22T12:19:20.154-07:00Pauses<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHm7CU7zUczBvem_LoyPYvCl8_ZJz1qA8BsGu75JScQzcLXXqaK-FCaI8fDooYw4wRcRlSIujITlJ9eFIjTqnDJGYMocti_M2PJHLqYY3PaWCpHZc3wZD71gzmehG5C9exR7UznFILL9k/s1600/X6R2D00Z.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHm7CU7zUczBvem_LoyPYvCl8_ZJz1qA8BsGu75JScQzcLXXqaK-FCaI8fDooYw4wRcRlSIujITlJ9eFIjTqnDJGYMocti_M2PJHLqYY3PaWCpHZc3wZD71gzmehG5C9exR7UznFILL9k/s320/X6R2D00Z.jpg" width="320" /></a>I often wonder how much of our lives are spent waiting. Waiting for soul mates, for an interview call, waiting for a new day or waiting for a day to end. Waiting in line at a restaurant, at the DMV, for a new baby or a business to grow or to feel better than we are right now. Especially at present with the current capricious state of the economy a lot of people are caught between the ebb and flow of unemployment.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div> Professionally, I often see Depression and Anxiety walking into the office with my client on leash as she/he struggles to move forward from a pause. Personally, I see it frequently as well!Dealing with times when we are not where we want to be is challenging and can trigger so many of our insecurities and worries whether we are facing an emotional,personal or professional pause.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDf9E-O2TZcXWpeiznXjms-Ng634YIGXZIl6SRktwv_ialgLYsi5QoI1BiBPLZM7i-ysYjkBFbFxVDPieB7GukS0L1GmVs6-rD5EwBTfBBeK2fZczRtNtSs8cUQaIIw5HTt57_66X9vW0/s1600/Bamboo-forest-300x225.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br />
</a></div> What do we do when we are "waiting" for something to change?How do we cope with pauses?Does the chirpy voice of optimism keep you motivated, or does the foreboding hiss of doom crush your spirits?We all have a Voice that shapes how we cope with these pauses. It tells us stories that either keep us going or make the time of "waiting" particularly challenging. Sometimes it can even powerfully bulldoze our sense of strength and patience by saying unkind things like "You should have planned better"," Why are you always failing?", "You are never gonna get a job!!!" or "What is the point of trying?It's never gonna happen". <br />
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I encourage you, dear reader, to take a moment and reflect on a time when you have been waiting for something. Maybe you are in that space right now. How are you making sense of this time?What are you saying to you about yourself as you wait?Is there a Voice saying discouraging things to you?<br />
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I end with one of my favorite stories of the Bamboo and the Fern with a hopeful message for all those times when we find ourselves experiencing a pause...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDf9E-O2TZcXWpeiznXjms-Ng634YIGXZIl6SRktwv_ialgLYsi5QoI1BiBPLZM7i-ysYjkBFbFxVDPieB7GukS0L1GmVs6-rD5EwBTfBBeK2fZczRtNtSs8cUQaIIw5HTt57_66X9vW0/s1600/Bamboo-forest-300x225.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDf9E-O2TZcXWpeiznXjms-Ng634YIGXZIl6SRktwv_ialgLYsi5QoI1BiBPLZM7i-ysYjkBFbFxVDPieB7GukS0L1GmVs6-rD5EwBTfBBeK2fZczRtNtSs8cUQaIIw5HTt57_66X9vW0/s1600/Bamboo-forest-300x225.jpg" /></a><br />
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<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">"One day I decided to quit…I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality…. I wanted to quit my life. I went to the woods to reflect and have one last talk with Mother Nature.</div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">“Mother Nature”, I said. <b>“Can you give me one good reason not to quit?”</b></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">Her answer surprised me.</div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">“Look around”, she said. “Do you see the fern and the bamboo?”</div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">“Yes”, I replied.</div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">“When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.</div><a href="http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=8572079146304286838&postID=108328518153321203" name="more"></a><br />
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</div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">In the second year the fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.</div><br />
<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">“In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit. The same in year four."</div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">“Then in the fifth year, a tiny sprout emerged from the earth."</div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">"Compared to the fern, it was seemingly small and insignificant.</div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">But just six months later, the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall."</div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;"><b>It had spent the five years growing roots.</b> Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive. </div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;">“Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots?".</div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;"><b>“Don’t compare yourself to others,”</b> she said. “The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern. Yet they both make the forest beautiful."</div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;"> </div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: justify;"><br />
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</div>Namhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00056023901651203264noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8572079146304286838.post-315365882835632512011-02-15T16:22:00.000-08:002017-03-22T22:23:59.211-07:00And so she started a blog.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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My mom talks to her plants. <br />
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Blissfully blanketed in a sea of ferns, Ixora buds, Lilies and Chinese roses my mother engages in a gentle conversation with whom may seem as "nobody" to all but her. Interspersed by squirts and splashes of water, the stench of fertilizer and loving pokes and prods into the soil, is a secret dialogue between human and plant. <br />
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<i>Or is the plant involved at all?</i><br />
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A child for the longest time believes with fierce diligence that almost everything around has a soul, ears, intention and the ability to dialogue even though he/she may not have the vocabulary to express this belief. As adults, we sometimes engage in conversations with similar child like innocence.We expect that our lost keys with tell us where they are if we call out, there will be a response to end our frustration when we wring our arms in the air with a "I cant believe I did that!!! or a quiet "You can do this" coax just before a race,an exam a meeting will be lead you to desired results. I've watched multifaceted, nearly unfathomable philosophical ponderings being expressed to a puppy, a computer being kicked with an angry demand for it to work again, and my favorite; drivers raging into thin air at the recklessness of a stranger in a car despite an ocean of distance between them. <br />
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<i>In fact, take a moment, look away from your computer screen right now and listen. You may hear a voice say "I don't talk to myself" or "Yeah! I do that all the time!". </i><br />
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The plant, the keys, the pet and the machine are secret totems of the even more secretive dialogue that exists within us, all the time, about everything. Not even meditation exists without dialogue, does it? Whether one believes it's God, the Universe, an Angel or our mind that speaks into the quietude of meditation, in the facade of silence is a voice. <i>Always</i>. <br />
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This blog is not about my mom or the month long study conducted by the Royal Horticultural Society about talking to plants. But it is inspired by both. My mom talks to plants because she believes(along with the Royal Horticultural Society)that it helps them grow. <br />
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I believe (and I don't have fancy backing by any society, Royal or otherwise) that talking to plants, your pet, the air or your laptop helps<i> you</i> grow. Through poetry, watercolors, a jersey with ones favorite football team on it, a sigh , watercooler gossip or a Facebook status messages, we are a species that is always in dialogue. We share and communicate, all the time. The best part? This is not pointless pontification! If there is a voice that speaks, there is a ear that listens. Whether it is your own or someone else's, it exists. <br />
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For my mom, it is her Ixora plant that grows richer and better as a result of her voice. But in fact, it is the Ixora that is listening and its my mom who grows. For in our secret dialogues and questions about our lives and the human condition, we move forward. By questioning, sharing, listening, discussing we move a little closer to what we all want to believe; that our life has meaning, it gets better, suffering is ephemeral , and we are not living an abyss of unknowns and uncertainties. While I cannot promise that this blog will de-mystify the mystery of life, I do hope that by retrieving the lost art of questioning we can engage in a conversation of curiosity about it. We may never figure life out, but wouldn't it be worth it to enjoy the process of 'not-figuring'?<br />
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<i>Hear a voice asking ," So what is your point?"</i><br />
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My point is that by virtue of being human, we all have voices that guide, misdirect, encourage, judge and in essence talk to us all the time. This blog is about and for<b> that voice</b>. It is more importantly, about the hidden power in dialogue and sharing about the human condition that connects us all.It is to honor the process of growth that we engage in when we communicate. <br />
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Just like my mom talks to her plant with silent faith that it helps the growing process, I am writing this blog with faith that you, my reader, will engage in a similar journey of growth with me. <br />
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The topics although pulled from my life, hold promise to be about yours as well- primarily because even though you may not share similarity in nuances of life events, I am certain that there is similarity in experiences of the soul and the mind. In each will be a question for <b>your </b>voice, for your <i>Ixora plant</i> to wonder, question, play with and grow. <br />
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This blog is about life and our relationship with it. It is about growth, ends, beginnings, change and monotony and everything in between.<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>It is about the closest relationship that exists- the relationship between you and your life.</b></span>Namhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00056023901651203264noreply@blogger.com0