Our Ego, our ideals, our sense of right vs wrong often inform us that the way to be during a disagreement or conflict is to be the one that speaks louder and has the most tightly clenched fists. We begin to believe that the more we reiterate our stand, the louder we speak of the injustice we are experiencing or the more we articulate why what we think is right, the better is the chance that our opponent(or the one that is aggravating us)will understand and correct his/her ways.
We forget that the more we clench our fist and the more firmly we plant our feet into the ground, we do offer ourselves the satisfaction of being "right", but we have limited ourselves from moving.From growth. From resolution.
The louder we reiterate our opinion, the louder the opponent gets about his!
How is it that when our intention is to be understood, conflict only seems to grow?
The more I am around conflict, whether it is between a couple on the couch, spats between friends, or us vs them ideologies in groups, the more I come to recognize that the one way to be understood in the midst of disagreement is to not be the one who speaks the loudest, but the one who listens the most.
Conditioning has us believe that if we listen we are allowing the opponent to gain power, that we are giving in to the perceived wrong-doing and allowing injustice to prevail.Or even worse, it has us believe that we are surrendering to the very thing that we disagree with!
We forget that listening is probably the most powerful tool we carry in our communication toolbox. Listening to someone we disagree with or feel agitated by is by far one of the most challenging experiences of communication, isn't it?
And yet, in that Challenge are little nuggets of self-awareness that can only help us!
One of the most effective ways to be understood is to lead the way by being the one who is open to understanding . You don't have to like it or agree with it...but maybe create a little room for it to exist anyway?
By offering room to be heard and understood to the one that aggravates us, we change the climate of conflictual conversation. We create a communication environment that is more conducive to being understood ourselves. We give ourselves a rare opportunity to look at a situation through a completely different angle(again, we don't have to agree with it!), look at projections for what they are and whether our opponent "gets it" or not, we take a few more steps closer to being more aware, more compassionate and more peaceful.
The louder you want to speak the bigger is the sign that you need to listen. Listening is not weak or surrendering, listening is about courage. It is about being able to suspend your assumptions and projections for a few minutes and then choosing to keep the ones you want, and modify the ones that no longer fit. It is about remembering that EVERYONE has a reason for saying what they do and being who they are just like you do. Reasons that may not be your truths, but they are to the one you are arguing with, however distorted they maybe.
Be agitated, be aggravated and angry...you are human and differing opinions and experiences WILL invite these experiences, but allow yourself the possibility of intrinsic peace despite extrinsic conflict. Allow yourself the opportunity to not be hijacked by aggravation but remain firm yet compassionate without verbal wars.
There IS a way to "stand up for yourself", to "support the underdog", to "put someone in place" or simply get them to see their behavior is hurtful....and it does not always involve a clenched fist and loud voice. Sometimes, it is about an open hand and some silence. Sometimes, conflict is an opportunity that has come your way to teach you something new about you, about the human condition and about peace...
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