Talk About YOU!

Describe someone you love and care for in a few sentences. It could be anyone; a friend, family, a pet even your favorite character from a television show.

Did you experience any discomfort or hesitation in doing so? My guess is probably not.

How is that when we are asked to talk about someone we love we are able to almost effortlessly but if someone were to ask us to talk about ourselves, the experience is often fraught with discomfort?

           I was recently a part of a conversation with friends   where one of them spoke about her hesitation in talking about herself. She recognized that for her business to grow, marketing was a key aspect but was facing a paradox that most of us do: I want people to know about me but I don’t want to talk about myself.  This is a human experience that I have come across even amongst people who are employed in professions that require sales of a product. The irony there is that when it is about selling a product for someone else, we easily compartmentalize our minds and give ourselves permission to “do the job”. But when the ‘product’ we want to share is ourselves we have a voice that distorts the simplicity of this experience. Where does that come from?

 

      Socially we are plagued with words like “narcissism’, “full of himself”, “tooting your own horn” and none of them have a positive connotation.  With judgments like those, it is no surprise that talking about you is an experience   that is uncomfortable! However, when we look back at our childhood or even spend time with little children we may notice that we did not always have this voice of discomfort.  In fact, I have almost always noticed that when there are enough “grown -ups” around children there will be at least one person who will ask them questions like “What is your favorite color? What did you do at school today? What do you want to be when you grow up?” I almost never see a child pause and contemplate before answering. Instead, a child will blurt out answers and even add some precious nuggets of information that wasn’t even asked for! 

             As we get older, social influences take over and add fuel to a fiery voice that is always judging what we do as good or bad.  Unless at a job interview, talking about what you do, sharing your skills and talent to invite people to utilize them or simply sharing information about yourself is seen as social error. I have even come across cultural influences where   people are covertly trained to not speak about themselves  (example: I have frequently heard about the Midwestern culture in the US being one where sharing personal information/personal struggle is frowned upon).  We soon become parents who raise children that   inherit the same voice that has held us hostage!

          The idea that talking about someone we love is easy but talking about ourselves is not leads to a wonder: do we love others more than we love ourselves? And most importantly, is it okay to feel love for who we are or what we do? My answer is yes. In fact, to be able to love others fully, it is almost mandatory to feel love for ourselves.  (Watch this space for an upcoming blog post entirely on this!)

              The “Voice” that I speak of is a result of all those moments since we were a child, where we received messages that ‘you are not as important, not as worthy, not as lovable, not as attractive as others’. Returning to the start of this blog, at the core of “I want people to know about me but I don’t want to talk about myself” is an accumulation of all those influences that have coalesced into “It’s wrong for me to talk about myself”.

             If you speak to someone who is  a self-employed business person, he/she will tell you how vital it is to network and “sell” your product for your business to grow…how imperative it is to get over your personal discomfort and unapologetic- ally speak to people about who you are and what you do.  He/ She will also tell you this is a skill that requires training and is not innate.

While I don’t condone extremes, it seems important for us to be able to find new ways to challenge the unhelpful voices we carry that restrict us from growth. The voice that restricts you from comfortably and kindly talking about yourself is one such example! It is the same voice that  will trick you into believing YOU are not as good as the person who is skinnier, more successful, prettier, richer than you. It will teach you ways to sabotage your own success and growth professionally and personally. Most importantly, it will convince you that you are not good enough.

 While the manifestations of this voice in our life is food for another blog, I encourage you, dear reader to take a few minutes and think of the last time you spoke about yourself with kindness and without fear of judgment. Now think back at the last time when you praised or spoke kindly about someone in your life. Did both experiences feel the same? If the former felt odd or “wrong”,  THAT is the voice of past influences telling you that you are doing something wrong by being kind to you…challenge it. YOU are worthy of being a topic of conversation, YOU are worthy of attention and YOU are worth the discomfort and effort it may take to challenge this voice and come out on the other side…