The Listening Ixora
Think of someone you love deeply. Think of all the time, attention and care you devote in listening/getting to know them.Do you do the same with yourself? Our life is rich with experiences.Most of them lived but not examined. We all experience Depression, Joy, Fear etc.But how often do we get to know these experiences with the same love that we do with people we care for? We're all in the same universe trying to make sense of who we are and what our life is about. Why do it alone?
"An essential part of seeing clearly is finding the willingness to look closely and to go beyond our own ideas."-Cheri Huber
Monday, September 2, 2013
12 Months Of Life Lessons: August
LESSONS I LEARNED THIS AUGUST:
1)SCREEN YOUR STORY: When you experience displeasure, discontent, angry confusion or feel the need to ask someone to change themselves, start by screening your story. Our experiences are projections. More often than not, our interpretation/story of what is going on holds us hostage and we react or make demands for change stemming from these stories, as opposed to "truth". Before acting on the need to ask someone to change, screen your story with questions like, "I experienced what you said as insensitive/ mean/hurtful/suspicious. Is that what you meant?". Screening your story allows the other the necessary opportunity to explain and express, and allows you to modify your story in a way that matches what "is" as opposed to what you "think it is". It is also the quickest way to maintain kindness while honoring the feelings of displeasure you feel.
2)DON'T GET WET IN SOMEONE ELSE"S STORM: People lash out, share loud angry opinions, judge, criticize,misinterpret all the time. If you are coming from a place of integrity, remember that they are likely soaking in their own storm and their opinion is not the same as your reality. Stay dry by validating their experience(you don't have to agree to validate!)and clarifying your position. Jumping in with defensiveness, counter-attacking, aggressively proving them wrong, or insulting them is a sign that you are now getting wet too. State your position, and allow them their need to sway in their storm in the direction they choose. Their storm is not your project, playground, battle field or your reality. It is only where they are right now.
Screen your story. Stay Dry.
-Nam
*This post is part of a personal project to pay attention to life lessons as they arise each month,document them and share them. September is feeling pretty rich already! Stay tuned!).
Friday, August 9, 2013
The Paradox of Progress
The teacher I cried and sobbed to, sent me a postcard once I moved with this quote on it. Although she no longer lives, her reminder always will.
I am still the weirdo and I continue to speak up to the best I can when I see power being abused. But every step I have taken, is an ongoing attempt to draw new lines. I don't always succeed, but this is the one thing I won't give up on.
To all kids in adult bodies who know what I am talking about, this is for you. You will lose relationships,
you may get hit in your professional endeavors, you will almost never lose some of you labels, authority figures may dread you, but always remember...society needs you to be bold, irrational, messy and original. Progress was never made by those who bow their head and conform. For a plant to grow, it must burst open through the cracks in the soil...and that is the paradox of progress.You may need to be wise and grown-up about it, because even though adolescent rebellion was great , it not always productive.Don't lose yourself in the displeasure and judgment of others. Trust the process and draw new lines.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
SELF AWARENESS AND COMMUNICATION
SELF AWARENESS AND COMMUNICATION
I recently learned: the absence, or limited engagement in the act of self awareness shows quickly and sharply in how one communicates with others. The way one speaks to someone else is often a reflection of how one speaks to oneself . Do you speak to yourself/treat yourself with compassion, or acerbity?Self awareness transcends the question "What do you say to yourself when...?" and begs to incorporate "How do you speak to yourself when....?" The former attends to thoughts while the latter attends to thoughts and intention.
Effective communication, then, is not a mere skill of speaking. It is a delicate art of balancing compassion with clarity, intention with delivery, asserting boundaries with opening space for dialogue, conveying a message with listening for impact on another.
Self awareness based communication remembers me, you and all of us;because being self-aware is being aware of the self in others...and being aware of others is being aware of their impact on the self.
Communication hides a secret power of influencing the climate of relationships; it comes armed with weapons of destruction and gifts of connection. When one chooses their words, they choose the relationship that is created as a result of those words. What is intended, what is said and what is heard results in the creation or destruction of connection...and connection thrives in the presence of self-awareness. It dies in its absence.
To connect is to be self-aware, to be self aware is to be aware of others, to be aware of others is to practice the art of compassionately clear communication, and to be compassionate to others, one must know how to be compassionate to oneself.
An ongoing lesson, and ongoing practice...much has been learned, much remains to be learned.
I recently learned: the absence, or limited engagement in the act of self awareness shows quickly and sharply in how one communicates with others. The way one speaks to someone else is often a reflection of how one speaks to oneself . Do you speak to yourself/treat yourself with compassion, or acerbity?Self awareness transcends the question "What do you say to yourself when...?" and begs to incorporate "How do you speak to yourself when....?" The former attends to thoughts while the latter attends to thoughts and intention.
Effective communication, then, is not a mere skill of speaking. It is a delicate art of balancing compassion with clarity, intention with delivery, asserting boundaries with opening space for dialogue, conveying a message with listening for impact on another.
Self awareness based communication remembers me, you and all of us;because being self-aware is being aware of the self in others...and being aware of others is being aware of their impact on the self.
Communication hides a secret power of influencing the climate of relationships; it comes armed with weapons of destruction and gifts of connection. When one chooses their words, they choose the relationship that is created as a result of those words. What is intended, what is said and what is heard results in the creation or destruction of connection...and connection thrives in the presence of self-awareness. It dies in its absence.
To connect is to be self-aware, to be self aware is to be aware of others, to be aware of others is to practice the art of compassionately clear communication, and to be compassionate to others, one must know how to be compassionate to oneself.
An ongoing lesson, and ongoing practice...much has been learned, much remains to be learned.
DO WHAT SCARES YOU.
ON STARTING OVER:
Internally, I battled questions of "What If I can't and won't write?What if it's gone?What if they took it away?"Then they did strangle my spirit, didn't they? They got me where it hurts the most...my nurtured ambition for contribution and growth through creative and honest expression. And in place of that ambition is fear, self doubt, exhaustion and confusion.
The more I pondered and grappled with these questions, the angrier I felt. The kind of anger that is motivating, not defeating; The anger that is felt by a bird that is caged for the first time. The kind that burns in the base of your throat and sends a surge of creatively fueled adrenalin coursing through your veins.
I have chosen Facebook to air a lot of my laundry (I don't have "dirty laundry, just laundry that has the wear and tear of experience. And that is not dirty!). And I am choosing Facebook to voice a goal that I am terrified I won't achieve:to write, express and share with the bold voice I was so proud of before March. I am terrified it will be too hard. I am afraid that it won't be any good. I am afraid that I may realize that this setback, of all my experiences, has changed me to become quiet, meek and overpowered by self-doubt.
I know that none of this is true. I know that somewhere in my reader list is at least one other person who knows exactly what I am talking about. If not about writing, then about dating after a painful divorce, walking after a broken leg, losing weight after weight gain, finding a job after being laid off, rebuilding a relationship after it cracked...I know that somewhere out there is someone who is asking more questions instead of fearlessly following their gut that says, "You can start over. You KNOW how".
If that is you, I am writing this post for you. I am writing this because we are not just connected by sharing success, but we are truly connected by acknowledging how similar we are in the messiness of being human.
My July goal is to hang perfectionism on the coat track of unwanted obstacles and return to what fuels me: my need to grow, and my need to contribute and writing is my chosen medium.My goal is to write again regardless of how sub-par I may judge it to be. I am scared, and that is why I must do it.
What do you want your goal to be?What do you want to overcome?
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
MORNING TEA AND REFLECTION
I have woken up today feeling like there is sunlight within; like clouds don't just have silver linings but are made of silver itself; like there is no pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, the rainbow IS the gold; and that night exists so that the sun can take a nap; like there is no calm before a storm but that calm is the norm and a storm is just a temporary interruption;I feel like the life I was waiting to live has been waiting for me to see that it was here to live all along.
I have woken up knowing that every door that slammed shut in the past needed to be shut or I would not have looked for the one that has opened now; knowing that the guiding voice within us is much louder than the voices that surround us; knowing that you never rise or fall alone and that relationships matter more than resumes.
I have woken up believing that life will do what it must, we can either be friends with it or make it our enemy and the choice we make manifests in how we experience your experiences. I have woken up believing that whether you believe in God or are atheistic does not matter as much as how you treat those who believe differently than you, and how you treat yourself in your moments of vulnerability matters more than whether you pray or scientifically dissect your experience.
I have woken up feeling, knowing and believing that I may not always remember all that I have learned through my recent struggles, but I will always remember this relief that pauses, no matter how long, do come to an end. And if you are someone who is at the heart of your own pause, I feel, believe and know that you will find your way out.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
"We do not see what we do not know"-How Mental Health Professionals dismiss the Gifted
"Do you specialize or see Gifted Adults as clients?
Um, no!What problems do THEY have that are different from anyone else?!?"
This is sadly, an example of a stereotypical conversation that I have come across regarding Gifted-ness when talking to mental health professionals of varying expertise. While the response is not always as blatant, it is along a similar spectrum;From a simple and acceptable "no" to vague conversations about intellectual assessment and testing to the more dramatic spirit of "Gifted-ness does not exist", to mention of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
As a mental health professional myself, I am openly astounded at mental health professionals who dismiss or deny the legitimacy of Gifted children and adults. My search for a different word for "Gifted" continues as it does lead to a projection of elitism and "better than" ideas that seem to trigger not only those who are at this end of the spectrum but those that hear the word "Gifted". I often wonder about the social receptivity of this genre if the term Gifted was replaced by "Differently Abled".
I have come across very few mental health professionals who don't squirm or worse, question the validity of the "differently abled" population when they hear of it. There seems to be an intrinsic need to deny that it exists or what is shared is a shrugging of the shoulders with the premise "They have problems different than everyone else?!" (like the conversation above). The primary amazement that I experience when I hear this is if Developmental Delays and lower IQs exist and are acknowledged, then why is there so much resistance to acknowledging the other end of this continuum?No, it is not the same...but it does exists.Why do we metaphorically plug our ears when we hear others talk about this?
Once my personal disbelief and disappointment at this discovery simmered down, I questioned the epistemology of this denial and complacent lack of awareness. Why is it that of ALL people, those that have made analysis and assistance of human nature their livelihood, are the one's that are so comfortable with the limited or absence of awareness about this population?
Personal projections.
I have tentatively concluded that working specifically with the Gifted populations requires, at the very least, acknowledgment that a Gifted Population exists. Following that is gaining knowledge about it which is in turn,undeniably necessary to engage in being aware, insightful and attentive to it's nuances. I am reminded of the adage in medical fields that states "We cannot see what we do not know". But how effective is any of this when one stays behind a personal wall of projection about the label of someone being Gifted?It is no wonder then, that the number of therapists catering to this rare population is so low. There is such a thick fog of personal and societal projection about the Gifted that therapists seem more comfortable pretending it does not exist than find ways to walk through the fog!
The label of "Gifted" has indeed been overused and grossly misused in certain societies that has contributed to a collective projection. That, in addition to a lot of parents who believe their children are gifted mainly and only because of their grades only makes the reality of Giftedness unfortunately cloudy. This mis-representation along with ego-driven behavior of a lot of parents seems to fuel the disdain around this term. Gifted becomes synonymous with the annoying mother you meet when you drop your child off at school who gloats about teh GATE program!But what is even more unfortunate is that a lot of mental health professionals do not exercise the foundational fuel of therapy: curiosity. Hijacked by their own projections that come from limited information, casual observation of inflated ego's of parents of Gifted children or their own reservations of what being "Gifted" means, mental health professionals tend to look the other way.
I wonder, as a mental health professional myself, if these projections could be penetrated with reason? If we as professionals could engage in the very work we guide our clients/patients to do? Can we set aside whatever it is we "think" we know about Gifted-ness and approach it with sincere curiosity and self awareness of what comes up for us as we explore?
The sad, sad truth is that whether we as clinicians accept the reality of Gifted struggles or not, there is a significant group of people out there who need us to "get it". They are the parents of Gifted children who quickly realized that "good grades"(if that were included) was NOT what parenting a Gifted Child entails. They are Gifted adolescents who have already spent a significant period of their life struggling to fit in, or be seen as more than "High Achievement", its the middle school kids who may do well academically and glean praise but spend every lunch hour by themselves...lost, confused and mainly very, very alone. The kid that wants to know if "We are living in a world perceived by us but not in reality" but cannot manage to play a simple game with another kid. These kids grow up to be adults struggling with Imposter Syndrome, social misunderstanding and ridicule, tragic and confusing Under Achievement...and they internally remain the kid that sits alone for lunch hour. They struggle very deeply and uniquely in relationships, lose jobs or struggle to find one, are torn between their abilities and limitations and spend their life trying to piece together a fragmented self image that honors their uniqueness but still craving to the "same as others". They can be oddly rebellious and serious procrastinators, you will hear them talk about "not being able to turn their brain off"...the list is endless. Whether we acknowledge any of this or not, it exists.
There is so much emphasis on Gifted-ness being Achievement based that a poignant premise gets missed: Developmental differences and advancement. Mental health professionals are more likely to specialize and assist those who battle developmental differences at the other end of the same spectrum than the one being spoken of here. While one elicits reactions of sympathy and concern(rightfully so!) the Gifted get ignored. I once read that "Even sunshine burns if we get too much". The seemingly sunny side of the Gifted is somewhat like that. The Gifted are "too much" of everything. While details are going to be food for future posts, my hope with this one is that mental health professionals begin to wake up, just a little bit more, to the possibility that their personal projections are dismissing the struggles of a lot of people...which is drastically dichotomous to what our field was created to do. We are agents of change, healers and helpers...we cannot do that if we deny someone's struggles whether it is through absence of information or personal triggers.
Let's start by looking inward ourselves:
1. What came up for you as your read this article?
2. Did you hear a voice of resistance? What did it say?
3. How much do you really know about counseling the Gifted?
4. Do you have a voice that is compelling you to deny Gifted-ness because you feel resistant to the idea that differences in people DO exist?
5.What are your projections about intelligence?
Not every one of us will engage in Therapy for the Gifted. But my hope is that most of us contribute positively to remove the stigma, mysteries and myths that surround this very real population.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
A Hug before A Tissue
ON
HOW A FITNESS PRODUCT TEACHES ME ABOUT LIFE:I was witness to (and
participated to some extent) in a recent experience where there was a
divide between fitness enthusiasts about a new health product. Some
loved it and some did not. As what happens in life about most things,
right?
The fascinating element in this was not that people
disagreed, but what was triggered in people on both camps as a response
to the other. There was no filter in those that loved it to call the
one's who did not 'crazy' and proceed to glorify how much they loved
it,used language that pushed the ones that did not into a box labeled
"negative" and a verbal party about how this product is the best thing
to have happened proceeded. A human reaction.
The one's that
did not like it did voice their displeasure too, proceeding to describe
why they did not, how disappointed they were etc.
What ensued
was that the one's that loved it continued to sing about how wonderful
it was and the one's that did not were silenced. There was no room to
say "hey! I did not like it" with safety amongst peers and an
opportunity to learn and grow was missed. An opportunity where the one's
experiencing displeasure could have received acceptance and safety to
disagree even if the majority felt otherwise. Instead, the perceived
"negative" was shut down. Whether in the name of understandable business
strategy or not, it had an outcome that was not desirable to any even
though not many have noticed it. A section of the people were made to
shut up. Sadly.
This is not about the product or fitness enthusiasts or what happened. All people involved were human and okay.
It is an example of how we are socially conditioned to shut down what
is perceived as negative. We are conditioned to need to "fix" a feeling
that someone may have that is not one of happiness. If someone is
discouraged we instruct them to "BE POSITIVE!", we throw around phrases
like "turn the frown upside down" and "suck it up". We call the ones
that had a negative experience of something we love "nuts". We seem
inadvertently trained to look at the one who has a undesirable
experience and attempt to make it go away(whether in emotion, about
products, TV shows, cultural preferences etc.). While a lot of it is
done to "help" ,either the person or those that may be exposed to the
displeasure in general...I almost always see it have a different
outcome.
In the days that passed since the fitness product
description, there is complete silence from those that did not like it,
and those that did have not stopped reiterating how much they do. What
happened here?Did those that did not like the product magically start to
think otherwise?Nope.
What happened was there was a message
that "if you do not like something, don't talk about it or take it
elsewhere" . COMPLETELY unintentionally, but this is what happened. What
COULD have been done differently is to speak to those in a "negative"
space differently. It was an opportunity to let them know that its OKAY
to not like something as it is okay to feel sad, angry, demotivated and
discouraged because we are human and then offer solutions. This would
have resulted in the ones not liking the products still feeling included
and involved as opposed to silenced and alienated.
But much
like in life, what happens is that we speed through to fixing a
perceived negative situation and forget about the one who was in
distress. When we see tears we offer a Kleenex before a hug when a hug
could lead to a person who cries wipe their own tears(which is the
desired goal, isn't it?).
What has conditioned us to be this
way?Why is it that we make conversation, family, groups and society so
unsafe for the "negative" when we ALL feel negatively?Why is it SO hard
to offer support by sitting with someone's discomfort and allow it to
play out as it needs to.
When did our discomfort about someone
else going through discomfort become so unbearable that we
inadvertently ignore the need of the one who hurts?Imagine a child who
walks in with a gash on his knee...would you put a band-aid and then ask
them to "cry elsewhere"? You would likely comfort, understand and
nurture the physical and emotional wound simultaneously. how come we
treat adults so differently?
The next time you hear someone not
like what you like, or cry in front of you...notice what happens. Would
you like to be called crazy because you love something or are
happy?Then why do it to someone who isn't it?
" I am sorry this
is not working for you/feel this way. I personally don't but I am glad
that there are options you could try...maybe we can figure this out
together to help you feel better?". THERE! How hard was that?
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